6. Healing and More Healing

Bridge to Earth

I started to read voraciously materials about our spiritual nature and other unexplained energetic phenomena.  At first, I was interested in reading books by scientists, medical doctors, journalists, and psychologists– not because of their formal education but in spite of it.  I felt that if these people, who were rigorously trained to be analytical and rely on the five senses as I had been, saw something real in these topics, then there was a possibility that the material would be accessible to me as well.  I wanted to expose myself to this new information through a bridge, from a place of familiarity.  I began to scour the internet, libraries, and bookstores.  Once I started searching, I was amazed, absolutely amazed, by the number of books written by traditionally-trained scholars that addressed this topic.  How could I have missed this whole world right in front of my nose?  Some of the books had been on bestseller lists.  One book led to another, until in the blink of an eye, I was avidly reading material written by the “fluffs” without pre-judgment.  For a time, I was so hungry for this information that I felt that I could not get enough.  Besides my children, nothing had so passionately stirred my interest.

I struggled at this time to heal my anger with my current situation, as well as anger from past traumas that it had triggered.  I tried to understand myself and where I kept running into the wall in the same places throughout my life.  I explored many different self-healing techniques, including the emotional freedom technique (a technique in which points along the acupuncture meridian lines are tapped to dissipate emotional blockages),[1] understanding my karmic and personality challenges through astrology,[2] and affirmations.  Around this time, I came across aura healing through a book I found in a bookstore: Change Your Aura Change Your Life[3] by Barbara Martin.  It described a healing meditation in which one envisions the down-raying of light of different colors onto one’s chakras.  Now, I had tried meditation before, while dealing with the stresses of school.  Years ago, my older sister had sent me a little paperback book, The Relaxation Response,[4] by a professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School whose research showed the health benefits of transcendental meditation.  The meditation technique described in this book involved the clearing of the mind in a quiet environment through focus on a repetitive stimulus, such as a word or breathing.  I remember that I kept falling asleep during this mediation, probably because my body desperately needed the sleep at the time, and because I found it difficult to empty my mind of thoughts for a significant period.  I gave up on it quickly.  On the other hand, the light-based meditation of Ms. Martin stuck with me, maybe because it was time, or because I’m a visually-oriented person who enjoys seeing in my mind the beautiful colors of light rays and points of energy.  I suppose that of the myriad techniques of mediation out there, different ones will appeal to different people depending on individual personalities and preferences.   With the guidance of this book, I identified and acknowledged the negative self-beliefs and emotions I held– which was tremendously healing in and of itself– and imagined the clearing and revitalization of my aura through the down-pouring of nurturing light rays through my chakras.

It was not long before I began to physically feel the downloading sensation of these rays.  At first, I thought I was imagining it, as it was so not in the realm of my past experiences.  It almost felt like being placed in a gentle electric field, being in a flow of a vibrating energy.  For the longest time, I kept questioning whether I was really experiencing this sensation physically, even though sometimes this flowing “electrical field” sensation rushed down so quickly and intensely upon request that it made me take a sharp breath.  Always, the rays of light left me feeling nurtured and empowered.   I was left in wonderment of this experience.

During this period, I learned not only about mental/emotional/spiritual healing, but healing at the physical level as well.  I was being more or less forced to pay more attention to my body, as my health was deteriorating after the birth of my children.  Being constantly around babies and not getting proper sleep or rest, I was struggling with a never-ending string of colds or the flu, and suffering sinus infections which I had never had before.  My face broke out in rosacea-like symptoms, and I was always tired and sick.  I was probably no different from the millions of other mothers who are the primary care-givers of very young children.  Little by little, over the years, I experimented with holistic, natural ways of nurturing my health with proper diet, sleep, water, exercise, sinus rinses, and detoxification through juicing and saunas.

It is only recently that, looking through my journal to write this story, I see the big picture of what I have been experiencing.  I realized that many of those first years of “awakening” were spent on self-discovery and healing, both my body and soul.  I see pages and pages of journal entries about my past hurts and angers, my physical ailments, and the “aha” moments of self-realization which I denoted on the margins of my journal with pictures of a shining light bulb.

I found that, for me, healing came about through a deep self-examination and taking total and complete responsibility for myself and for everything that happened in my life.  It had a lot to do with being honest with who I am, and seeing things about myself that I had not seen before because I had been too embarrassed to admit them– the “dark” side of myself.  It was about examining my fears, and learning to forgive and love myself.  It also had to do with stopping the blaming of others for the difficulties that happened in my life, and understanding that these situations are soul contracts which I have attracted as opportunities for learning and growth.  It was about coming into a full realization that each person I encountered in my life had a gift for me, whether it was joyful or challenging.  It was about letting go of the dense beliefs and emotions which were weighing me down.  It has been an ongoing inner journey to identify the roots of my beliefs and to stumble upon thrilling moments of realization through the continuing experience of life.  It is an ever-ongoing work.

Self-awareness and self-responsibility.  These were the keys to my healing and my empowerment.

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[1] Craig, Gary.  “EFT” at http://www.emofree.com, retrieved April 5, 2010.
[2] One book that gave me much personal insight was: Spiller, Jan.  Astrology for the Soul.  New York: Bantam Books, 1997.
[3] Martin, Barbara Y.  Change Your Life Change Your Aura.  Sunland, CA: Spiritual Arts Institute, 2000.
[4] Benson, Herbert. The Relaxation Response.  USA: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1975.